Time

It seems like a lifetime since I wrote anything. Time.....it seems to get away from me and then I realized that lately I have been in a rush to do everything. When is the last time I just slowed down and took my time? If I am always in a rush, what could I be missing? Can I hear God in "my agenda" to get things on my "to do" list done? Answer: I am missing all that God is doing in my day and all that He longs to tell me. Hard to swallow but blatant truth. It hurts when God brings our character flaws to our attention, but the hurt is good. It means that we are being transformed and that is when I hunger most for God, when He is showing me places to meet with Him. That's when I hear Him calling. He says, "TIME WITH ME cannot be rushed. When you are in a hurry, your mind flitters back and forth between Me and the tasks ahead of you. Push back the demands pressing in on you; created a safe space around you, a haven in which you can rest with Me. I also desire this time of focused attention and I use it to bless you, strengthening and equipping you for the day ahead. Thus, spending time with Me is a wise investment. Bring Me the sacrifice of your precious time. This creates sacred space around you - space permeated with My Presence and My Peace." Psalm 119:27; Chronicles 16:9; Hebrews 13:15

Learning to Listen

Today I had an interview for a job at Safeway. It was a great interview and the lady said that she would recommend me highly for hire! I was so thankful to God for being with me, but as I left the store with groceries in hand, my spirit was not at rest. I kept praising God for the interview going so well, but my spirit still didn't sit well. The job that I interviewed for was a courtesy clerk and although I would do the job without a problem, the lady felt I was far over qualified for it. I was in agreement and she would like to see management put me somewhere else that I could use my abilities better. She asked me what other positions I would be interested in and I stated a Barrista or working in Customer Service. She was in agreement. However, what didn't sit right with me was all the money you have to pay out for being a part of the union and getting a food handler's permit and the hours not being set in stone. Your work schedule changes from week to week and with little flexibility childcare wise, I wondered if this would work. Not wanting to show my concern, I didn't speak up. I just said I was flexible and could make whatever hours I got work. Was I being dishonest? Hmmm....then I heard Jesus Calling:

LET ME CONTROL YOUR MIND. The mind is the most restless, unruly part of mankind. Long after you have learned the discipline of holding your tongue, your thoughts defy your will and set themselves up against Me. Man is the pinnacle of My creation, and the human mind is wondrously complex. I risked all by granting you freedom to think for yourself. This is god-like privilege, forever setting you apart from animals and robots. I made you in My image, precariously close to deity. Though My blood has fully redeemed you, your mind is the last bastion of rebellion. Open yourself to My radiant Presence, letting My Light permeate your thinking. When My Spirit is controlling your mind, you are filled with Life and Peace. Gen. 1:26; Rom. 8:6

Humbled

One thing I have noticed about myself since my brain surgery is that due to all that the medication did to me, all that I went through with family and dealing with my own pain and hurt, I began to complain a lot. I didn't realize how much till I looked at pictures of myself when my husband and I were dating and saw how joyful we were and the joy in my own eyes. I realized that I had allowed all the past and pain to rob me of my joy and instead of fighting to find it, I was allowing myself to trudge along in the muck. So, yesterday I started anew. I had a great day with my boys and after their nap had plans to take them for a play date with some women that I had just started getting to know through our small group and then the small group just up and quit. It quit just before I had our second son and just before I had to have brain surgery. When all of that happened and the medication made me go really wiggy, I avoided everyone for a long time. When they started a playgroup for just the women of our small group, I never made it because of my kids nap schedules and due to being too proud to go around and expose them to all my craziness from the medications. I got past my fears and decided to that it was time to start new and so I packed up the boys and headed over only to be completely humbled after only 45 minutes. I got there and was immediately embraced by the host mom. My boys love being outside and immediately wanted to play outside even though the other kids didn't want to play outside. Then it all went down hill. I tried to stay positive as long as I could. My boys began to fight over one toy. The one toy that my youngest wanted to play with and was happy with, my oldest couldn't live without it. They began to fight so I had to go outside with both of them and mediate while everyone else stayed inside watching as my boys fought and I tried to make peace between them. I finally after 25 minutes of trying, gave up, packed the both up and with both screaming and crying at the top of their lungs walked out, humiliated, humbled and condemned because my two boys were acting out and everyone else's kids were quiet and peachy keen. It was hard to swallow. I called the host mom later and said we would try again, even though inside I didn't want to show my face again. Pride. I realized that I had to let all pride go. Kids are kids and sometimes as parents we have to do the hard thing and pack up our kids no matter where we are when they are throwing fits and refuse to reward the negative behavior. Just today, my oldest was being the boy that I know he can be, obedient, affectionate to his brother and my little helper. He was kind, polite, loving and most of all compliant. I expect that of him now. I stopped expecting him to be the disobedient, mean, disrespectful boy because I was getting exactly what I was projecting him to be. Unfortunately, the minute I had decided to reward him by a lunch at Mac Donald's, he reared ugly and threw a huge fit as I was ordering because he couldn't have his ice-cream due to him being lactose intolerant now. I had to speak to him sternly and walk out with food in hand, put him in the truck and head home with him screaming and me sharing with him how he had broken my heart, God's heart and how I was so surprised that he chose to be so disobedient. Then, after we got home and I had disciplined him, I asked him what had made him so upset? He said because he just wanted his ice-cream. I explained to him how much I loved him and how I could understand how that would be frustrating to be told he couldn't have his free ice-cream when just a couple of weeks ago he could. I then told him that his tummy just couldn't have ice-cream anymore because it was making it sick and giving him the icky poop. He said, "Oh mommy, that is why my stomach was hurting?" I nodded and that sweet little boy that he is, was back. Double dose of humility. I came to the Lord in prayer and asked Him, "Lord, how am I doing? Did I handle those situations right? Am I performing the way you want?" This was His reply:

I LOVE YOU regardless of how well you are performing. Sometimes you feel uneasy, wondering if you are doing enough to be worthy of My Love. No matter how exemplary your behavior, the answer to that question will always be no. Your performance and My Love are totally different issues, which you need to sort out. I love you with an everlasting Love that flows out from eternity without limits or conditions. I have clothed you in My robe of righteousness, and this is an eternal transaction: Nothing and no one can reverse it. Therefore, your accomplishment as a Christian has no bearing on My Love for you. Even you ability to assess how well you are doing on a given day is flawed. Your limited human perspective and the condition of your body, with its mercurial variations, distort your evaluations. Bring your performance anxiety to Me, and receive in its place My Unfailing Love. Try to stay conscious of My loving Presence with you in all that you do, and I will direct your steps. Jeremiah 31:3; Isaiah 61:10; Psalm 31:16; Psalm 107:8

Here I Am Lord Use Me

It was a rough week last week. I haven't ever been a quitter but last week I wanted to quit. I wanted to just toss in the towel and say I give up. When life pulls you so many ways, I find it almost unbearable when there are people in your life who just want to manipulate you and control you and do anything to make what they want to happen, happen. No matter the cost. My kids were sick, I was exhausted and I kept calling on the Lord for strength to make it through each day because I didn't know how I was going to make it. Then God brought a friend in need to my attention and I invested my time thinking of someone else other than myself and my situation. Then I spent my time preparing for my brother-in-law's house warming and gave all my worries, anxieties and concerns over the situation into His hands. Then God worked. He showed me truth when I couldn't see it. He showed me that nothing about my situation was about me. It was about what He is trying to accomplish in someone else's life and He knew that I would lean into Him so that He could accomplish what He wanted and that no matter what the pain, He would be there to comfort me. I then heard Jesus Calling:

THIS IS THE DAY THAT I HAVE MADE. Rejoice and be glad in it. Begin the day with ope hands of faith, ready to receive all that I am pouring into this brief portion of your life. Be careful not to complain about anything, even the weather, since I am the Author of your circumstances. The best way to handle unwanted situations is to thank Me for them. This act of faith frees you from resentment and frees Me to work My ways into the situation, so that good emerges from it. To find joy in this day, you must live within its boundaries. I knew what I was doing when I divided time into twenty-four-hour segments. I understand human frailty, and I know that you can bear the weight of only one day at a time. Do not worry about tomorrow or get stuck in the past. There is abundant Life in My Presence today. Psalm 118:24; Phil. 3:13-14

A Beautiful Piece of Music

The other day as I watched my sons and their friend play, I reveled in the uniqueness of each of them and how marvelous God created them. Each with their own laughter, each with their own smile, and each with their own humor and manner of doing things. Then I began to think about music, being that it has played such a huge role in my life. A revelation that God just brought to my attention. If each motion, smile, tear, laugh, word, action and inaction were put into music, what would it sound like? Magnificant and beautiful! Another thought occurred to me; what if we put every thing on earth and all that it does, says or does in inactivity into music, what would that make? A perfect, majestic and awe inspiring piece of music that would bring us to our knees. God created us and all that exists around us and if God is perfect, majestic, magnificant and awe inspiring, then so is everything He created. Then I hear Jesus Calling:

I AM THE POTTER; you are My clay. I designed you before the foundation of the world. I arrange the events of each day to form you into this preconceived pattern. My everlasting Love is at work in every event of your life. On some days your will and Mine flow smoothly together, eb and flow like a song. You tend to feel in control of your life when our wills are in harmony. On other days you feel as if you are swimming upstream, against the current of My purposes. When that happens, stop and seek My face. The opposition you feel may be from Me, or it may be from the evil one. Talk with Me about what you are experiencing. Let My Spirit guide you through treacherous waters. As you move through the turbulent streams with Me, let circumstances mold you into the one I desire you to be. Say yes to your Potter as you go through this day.

Isaiah 64:8; Psalm 27:8

Business

As a mom, I get swamped thinking of all I have to do. The thing is, I get caught up so much in my to do list that my anxiety gets high and I sometimes break down in tears because what I wanted to accomplish didn't get done. Either I get sick, as I have been for the last several weeks and I mean so sick that it takes an army to move me, or my two little precious boys are too wound up to mind me and I have to leave a store due to a fit by my 3 year old or just have to stop what I am trying to do because my boys need me more. I desperately yearn for time with God at any cost and time to walk. I just want life to be more simplified so that I can do all I have on my list to accomplish, not just daily but in my life. Wait a minute, do any of you notice one word that is repeated way too many times? "I" Swallowing hard, "God forgive me for how many times I say the word "I". " What is getting in the way? Me. What is causing the anxiety? Me. Then I hear Jesus Calling:

I AM CALLING YOU to a life of constant communion with Me. Basic training includes learning to live above your circumstances, even while interacting on the cluttered plane of life. You yearn for a simplified lifestyle, so that your communication with Me can be uninterrupted. But I challenge you to relinquish the fantasy of an uncluttered world. Accept each day just as it comes, and find Me in the midst of it all. Talk with Me about every aspect of your day, including your feelings. Remember that your ultimate goal is not to control or fix everything around you; it is to keep communing with Me. A successful day is one in which you have stayed in touch with Me, even if many things remain undone at the end of the day. Do not let your to-do-list (written or mental) become an idol directing your life. Instead, ask My Spirit to guide you moment by moment. He will keep you close to Me. 1 Thes. 5:17; Prov. 3:6

Forgiveness

One of the hardest things to do is to "actually" forgive others of things that have hurt you deeply. Even if you have said you have forgiven them, there is a part of human nature that wants to hang on to the hurt and therefore we do not "actually" forgive and in doing so allow Satan and his workhorses a foothold in our lives. I can actually admit that I am living proof of this. In Elementary School through High School I was taunted, teased and treated in ways that left deep scars. Even though I said I had forgiven them for what they had done, I held onto the hurt and let the lies define who I was. The hurt, abandonment, ridicule and other damaging experiences throughout my childhood and adult life left scars that although I thought I had forgiven those who inflicted them, I hadn't because I was holding onto that hurt and the lies because I had defined myself by them. The wounded little girl inside of me was stunted and not allowed to be free and be a little girl and be herself. At age 33 I began a journey of healing that started when I took the first steps to see a counselor. That counselor was God orchestrated and God used her to facilitate His healing at the right times. Now at 34, I have gained a lot of insight into who God truly made me and healing in all the areas He knew I needed. Was this an easy walk? No! It was painful, it was hard to swallow the fact that I have held onto bitterness, anger and hate, yes, even hate towards others and the injustice as I saw it that happened. I had to even swallow wishing others ill because of my anger. These are all sins my friends and I had to rid myself of those things to truly be free and embrace the blessings, joy, freedom, calling and divine, original design God intended for me to be. I thought that all my pain was there to stay forever but then when I attended a weekend counseling seminar led by Awake and Arise for the second time, it was a God experience that has now changed my life. All I can say is that forgiveness was offered and received and given to all past offenses by others and by myself. I then hear 7X70 by Chris August and it truly hit home. He sings towards the end of the song: "God picked up my heart and helped me through and shined a light on the one thing left to do and that's forgive you, I Forgive You." The last two years of my life, God has been doing just that, shining a light on all the things I needed to allow Him to expose and clean up so that there was only one thing left to do and continue to walk out daily and that was Forgiveness and say " I Forgive You." No matter if that was going to be received by all those who hurt me, it didn't matter because I was saying it on my end to God so that His healing could begin in those places. The rest of the song from start to finish is below. All I can say is that when we feel all hope is lost, God comes in and shines a light and reminds us just how small we have made Him and just how BIG HE truly is.

THIS IS A TIME IN YOUR LIFE WHEN YOU MUST LEARN TO LET GO: of past hurts, loved ones, of possessions, of control. In order to let go of something that is precious to you or that has defined you, you need to rest in My Presence, where you are complete. Take time to bask in the Light of My Love and Forgiveness. As you relax more and more, your grasping hand gradually opens up, releasing your prized possession into My Care. You can feel secure, even in the midst of cataclysmic changes, through awareness of My continual Presence. The One who never leaves you is the same One who never changes: I am the same yesterday, today and forever. As you release more and more things into My care, remember that I never let go of your hand. Herein lies your security, which no one and no circumstance can take from you. Psalm 89:15; Heb. 13:8; Isaiah 41:13

Lyrics to Chris August 7X70

I’ve been living in this house here
Since the day that I was born
These walls have seen me happy
But most of all they’ve seen me torn
They’ve heard the screaming matches
That made a family fall apart
They’ve had a front row seat
To the breaking of my heart

7 times 70 times
I’ll do what it takes to make it right
I thought the pain was here to stay
But forgiveness made a way
7 times 70 times
There’s healing in the air tonight
I’m reaching up to pull it down
Gonna wrap it all around

I remember running down the hallway
Playing hide-and-seek
I didn’t know that I was searching
For someone to notice me
I felt alone and undiscovered
And old enough to understand
Just when I’m s’posed to be learning to love you
Let me doubt again

7 times 70 times
I’ll do what it takes to make it right
I thought the pain was here to stay
But forgiveness made a way
7 times 70 times
There’s healing in the air tonight
I’m reaching up to pull it down
Gonna wrap it all around

I lost count of the ways you let me down
But no matter how many times you weren’t around
I’m all right now

God picked up my heart and helped me through
And shined a light on the one thing left to do
And that’s forgive you
I forgive you

7 times 70 times
If that’s the cost I’ll pay the price
7 times 70 times
I’ll do what it takes to make it right
I thought the pain was here to stay
But forgiveness made a way

7 times 70 times
There’s healing in this house tonight
I’m reaching up to pull it down
Gonna wrap it all around
Yeah
I’m gonna wrap it all around

I’ve been living in this house here
Since the day that I was born