Humbled

One thing I have noticed about myself since my brain surgery is that due to all that the medication did to me, all that I went through with family and dealing with my own pain and hurt, I began to complain a lot. I didn't realize how much till I looked at pictures of myself when my husband and I were dating and saw how joyful we were and the joy in my own eyes. I realized that I had allowed all the past and pain to rob me of my joy and instead of fighting to find it, I was allowing myself to trudge along in the muck. So, yesterday I started anew. I had a great day with my boys and after their nap had plans to take them for a play date with some women that I had just started getting to know through our small group and then the small group just up and quit. It quit just before I had our second son and just before I had to have brain surgery. When all of that happened and the medication made me go really wiggy, I avoided everyone for a long time. When they started a playgroup for just the women of our small group, I never made it because of my kids nap schedules and due to being too proud to go around and expose them to all my craziness from the medications. I got past my fears and decided to that it was time to start new and so I packed up the boys and headed over only to be completely humbled after only 45 minutes. I got there and was immediately embraced by the host mom. My boys love being outside and immediately wanted to play outside even though the other kids didn't want to play outside. Then it all went down hill. I tried to stay positive as long as I could. My boys began to fight over one toy. The one toy that my youngest wanted to play with and was happy with, my oldest couldn't live without it. They began to fight so I had to go outside with both of them and mediate while everyone else stayed inside watching as my boys fought and I tried to make peace between them. I finally after 25 minutes of trying, gave up, packed the both up and with both screaming and crying at the top of their lungs walked out, humiliated, humbled and condemned because my two boys were acting out and everyone else's kids were quiet and peachy keen. It was hard to swallow. I called the host mom later and said we would try again, even though inside I didn't want to show my face again. Pride. I realized that I had to let all pride go. Kids are kids and sometimes as parents we have to do the hard thing and pack up our kids no matter where we are when they are throwing fits and refuse to reward the negative behavior. Just today, my oldest was being the boy that I know he can be, obedient, affectionate to his brother and my little helper. He was kind, polite, loving and most of all compliant. I expect that of him now. I stopped expecting him to be the disobedient, mean, disrespectful boy because I was getting exactly what I was projecting him to be. Unfortunately, the minute I had decided to reward him by a lunch at Mac Donald's, he reared ugly and threw a huge fit as I was ordering because he couldn't have his ice-cream due to him being lactose intolerant now. I had to speak to him sternly and walk out with food in hand, put him in the truck and head home with him screaming and me sharing with him how he had broken my heart, God's heart and how I was so surprised that he chose to be so disobedient. Then, after we got home and I had disciplined him, I asked him what had made him so upset? He said because he just wanted his ice-cream. I explained to him how much I loved him and how I could understand how that would be frustrating to be told he couldn't have his free ice-cream when just a couple of weeks ago he could. I then told him that his tummy just couldn't have ice-cream anymore because it was making it sick and giving him the icky poop. He said, "Oh mommy, that is why my stomach was hurting?" I nodded and that sweet little boy that he is, was back. Double dose of humility. I came to the Lord in prayer and asked Him, "Lord, how am I doing? Did I handle those situations right? Am I performing the way you want?" This was His reply:

I LOVE YOU regardless of how well you are performing. Sometimes you feel uneasy, wondering if you are doing enough to be worthy of My Love. No matter how exemplary your behavior, the answer to that question will always be no. Your performance and My Love are totally different issues, which you need to sort out. I love you with an everlasting Love that flows out from eternity without limits or conditions. I have clothed you in My robe of righteousness, and this is an eternal transaction: Nothing and no one can reverse it. Therefore, your accomplishment as a Christian has no bearing on My Love for you. Even you ability to assess how well you are doing on a given day is flawed. Your limited human perspective and the condition of your body, with its mercurial variations, distort your evaluations. Bring your performance anxiety to Me, and receive in its place My Unfailing Love. Try to stay conscious of My loving Presence with you in all that you do, and I will direct your steps. Jeremiah 31:3; Isaiah 61:10; Psalm 31:16; Psalm 107:8